


heart is open

by pinkish



Category: Hockey RPF, Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, First Kiss, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 11:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12231657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkish/pseuds/pinkish
Summary: Taylor and Amanda connect over the summer, and Taylor's ready to be more than gal pals, but Amanda's unsure if she's ready for the attention it'll cause.





	heart is open

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blueorangecrush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueorangecrush/gifts).



> For blueorangecrush's prompt: got the idea for A. Kessel/T. Crosby and it won't leave me alone. alternatively, something with the Riveters, femslash generally

 

**_July --_ ** _**Amanda** _

_ She’s too young. _

_ She has to focus on school. _

_ It would be too public. _

_ We’d hardly get to see each other. _

_ I have to focus on hockey. _

_ It would be too big a story. _

This is the litany that Amanda repeats in front of her mirror each time she knows she’ll be seeing Taylor. Too young, too public, too dangerous, too scary. Amanda wonders if Taylor has a similar list and can’t dismiss the twinge of disappointment when she imagines Taylor thinking “Too old.” She won’t let herself think that she’s not actually  _ that _ much older than Taylor because if she does, it’s only a matter of time before the others fall by the wayside too.

Today is another party for the Cup winners and their families, so Amanda promises herself to spend more time with Phil than with Taylor, knowing even as she says it that it’s not a promise she can keep. Honestly, she can see her brother whenever she wants, because no one will write stories about them hanging out like it’s weird. No one will notice that they’re hanging out a lot. But she’s seen the looks, heard the whispers: people notice and she knows she shouldn’t care, but she does.

So: Too young. School. Too public. Far away. Hockey. Big story.

She takes a breath and steels herself for the party. Just before she opens the door, she puts on her “I’m happy to be here” smile, and reminds herself not to say anything snide about the parties she won’t get when the Rivs win their Cup. It takes a bit of work, not snarking at players worse than her who make over a hundred times her salary, but she’ll do it for her brother.

She moves from conversation to conversation, always keeping an eye on where Taylor is in the room. They haven’t managed to say hi, yet, but their eyes meet every once in a while. Sometimes Taylor sticks her tongue out at Amanda, because she knows it will make her laugh. 

It helps, when some call-up who saw enough minutes to get his name on the cup shows off his ring and waits for her to be impressed, that she can look over to Taylor and know that the quirk of her smile and the barely perceptible eyeroll is only for her to see. Amanda smiles in response, but the guy thinks she’s smiling at him and she loses ten minutes getting out of the conversation politely.

After that, she stops catching Taylor’s eye. Stops watching for her in the background. There’s pictures to take, hands to shake, wives and kids to hug. Her brother to tease.

She’s in the middle of a story about Phil as a kid (he threw a tantrum in a grocery store because their mom wouldn’t buy him an Archie comic and screamed so loudly they called the store manager) when she feels a weight settle against her back. 

Before she can react, hands wrap around her eyes and a voice she’d recognize any day says, “Guess who?”  

“Hmm,” Amanda pretends to ponder the answer. “Gary Bettman?”

“Ouch!” Taylor drops her hands and pulls Amanda into a half-hug, half-grapple. “Rude.”

Amanda wriggles free and turns to face Taylor, finally. “That’s what you get for sneaking up on me.”

Taylor’s face shifts, too fast for Amanda to read – she’s better at schooling her face than Amanda is. She opens her mouth to say something, but seems to remember their audience, because she grins widely and pulls at Amanda’s arm. “Girl time! I’ll bring her back later.” It gets the laugh Taylor was looking for, and Amanda follows along, playing her part as the aggrieved victim of Taylor’s boisterousness.

Once they’re outside, in a little alcove in the backyard, Taylor lets go of Amanda’s arm and, this time, the quirk of her mouth looks painful.

“I didn’t want to sneak up on you, but you kept avoiding me.” Taylor won’t meet her eyes, and there’s none of the playfulness that Amanda’s come to cherish. 

“I wasn’t avoiding you.” Amanda knows she’s lying – even if she wasn’t doing it on purpose, she replays the last hour or so and retroactively notices how she conveniently always had someone else she’d have to greet if Taylor got too close. 

Taylor scowls in her direction, and that’s answer enough: they both know a lie when they hear it.

“You just didn’t want to be saddled with the little sister?” Taylor says, the catch in her voice belying the jokey grin she adds on at the end.

“Of course not!” Amanda wraps her arm around Taylor’s shoulder and tugs her to her side. She lets the little sister comment slide – knows Taylor’s already embarrassed for bringing it up. “It’s not a chore spending time with you.” She resists pressing a kiss to Taylor’s head – too much. Too much. 

Taylor’s hands are twisting in her lap, but Amanda doesn’t know what to say to make it better, so she lets Taylor lean against her.

* * *

**_July -- Taylor_ **

 

_ She thinks I’m too young. _

_ It would be big news. _

_ She only hangs out with me because she’s bored. _

_ It would distract from her hockey. _

 

Taylor goes through the reasons on the ride over to the party, and provides a response to each one in turn:

_ I’m not too young. I know what I want. _

_ It would, but not forever and  _ fuck  _ the media.  _

_ If that was the case, she wouldn’t look for me. _

_ People date and play hockey  _ all the time _. _

 

“Earth to Taylor,” a voice from the front of the car snaps her out of her rehearsal and she looks up to see Sid’s face, wry, if a little worried. He’s turned the car off and they’re sitting in the driveway – she hadn’t felt the car stop. “Ready to charm the pants off of everyone?”

“Ugh.” Taylor sticks her tongue out and makes a gagging sound. “No.”

“Taylor!” Her mother, sitting in the passenger seat, admonishes. “Be polite.” She’s grinning, though, so Taylor just sighs dramatically.

“Promise you’ll spend  _ some _ time talking to people before you disappear with Amanda,” Sid says as he unbuckles his seat belt. 

She can’t stop the blush from rising, so she just ignores him. She gets out of Sid’s eminently responsible car and shuts the door with a little more force than necessary. She doesn’t miss the look her mom gives Sid, though.  _ Don’t tease your sister _ .  _ She’s allowed to have her own friends. _

Yeah.  _ Friends _ .

She hears Amanda before she sees her – a peal of genuine laughter leads her to the bar, where Amanda’s chatting with Véronique and making faces at one of the children. She heads over to them – the Fleurys are a good enough place to start the parade of hellos and hugs – but Amanda turns to face a group of people on the other side of the room and by the time Taylor gets there, Amanda’s gone.

It’s not a hassle to enjoy chatting with Véronique, but it’s not quite what Taylor was hoping for, so she sweeps her gaze around the room and sticks her tongue out at Amanda when she spots her. At first, she doesn’t realize that she’s being avoided, but after she joins the fifth conversation only to find Amanda’s gone, again, she figures something’s up.

That won’t do.

* * *

**_June -- Taylor_ **

The last time they’d been in the same place, they’d made a game of toasting ridiculous things (“To your cat!” “To your instagram follower count!”) after the interminable round of toasts to their brothers. After dinner, they’d escaped outside, found a patio chaise outside and settled in on the same cushion – toasting without drinks, each too sober to use the excuse of drunkenness for the way their hands kept brushing and why they kept leaning into each other. 

“To the stars,” Amanda whispered. She rested her head on Taylor’s shoulder and waited for Taylor’s response.

“To that weird frog statue.” Taylor didn’t quite know why she’d backed away from the sweetness of Amanda’s toast.

Amanda giggled. “It is weird.”

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, listening to the muffled sound of merry-making inside.

Embarrassed by her previous toast, Taylor found herself looking for something else to say. “To you.” She whispered it, almost too quietly, and she worried that Amanda hadn’t heard, but she felt the body next to hers shift and move.

“Taylor...” Amanda’s voice was hesitant, but there was desire there, too.

“Just...” She leaned towards Amanda and waited a beat, waiting for a sign that she was welcome in Amanda’s space.

Amanda closed her eyes, and for a second she looked pained, but then she leaned in, and let Taylor brush their lips together.

“You out there Taylor?” Her mom's voice floated from the sliding door.

“Yeah,” Taylor cleared her throat and said again, louder. “Yeah, mom.”

Taylor didn’t move. Neither did Amanda.

There was a long pause, and Taylor could hear her mother working out what to say. “Okay, hun. We’re leaving soon. Say your goodbyes.”

“Okay.”

Taylor was suddenly too conscious of the places where their bodies met. 

“Um,” Taylor said. “We could...next time?”

Amanda grinned, then the grin slowly faded. “We shouldn’t.” A whisper, but still too loud.

“Right.” Taylor felt the disappointment in her stomach. “Um. Okay.” She stood up, waited for Amanda to say something else, then walked to the light of the doorway.

* * *

**_July -- Taylor_ **

It’s nice, feeling Amanda’s arm around her again. She wishes she could just turn and plant her face in the crook of her neck and wrap her arms around her, but she can feel the tension in Amanda’s body, so she stays still. Taylor already regrets calling herself the little sister – a moment of self-loathing and weakness in the face of...is this rejection? It doesn’t feel like it, with their bodies pressed together, but...

“Why, then?” It’s unfair to ask, especially if she doesn’t really want to know the answer, but she can’t help it.

She feels Amanda shift a little, feels more than hears the sigh, and waits.

“I wasn’t trying to. I just...” Amanda pauses, forming the words. “I can’t spend too much time with you at these things. I have to--”

“It wasn’t a problem last time,” Taylor says, interrupting. She knows she’s pouting, knows she sounds petulant, but doesn’t quite care.

This time, Amanda’s sigh is louder, and she removes her arm from Taylor’s shoulder. 

“It was, though,” Amanda says. “People noticed.”

“So?”

Amanda doesn’t answer – Taylor doesn’t need her to. She knows why that’s a problem. She’s finding that she doesn’t care so much anymore. 

“Go out with me. Take me on a date.” Taylor’s pleased with the conviction in her voice. She’s proud of herself for saying it.

“You’re still young...” Amanda starts, but Taylor hears the excuse almost before Amanda says it. 

“Not that much younger than you.”

“You have your own stuff to deal with.” Amanda sounds like she’s reading off a list.

“So do you,” Taylor says, and before Amanda can take it as agreement, she continues: “So does everyone who dates anyone else.”

“We don’t live in the same city.”

Taylor knows how to answer this one, too. “For now. Like you said – I’m still young. Who knows where I’ll move after I’ve graduated.” She grins – now that she’s back in control of the conversation, she feels steady on her feet. “Who knows what team will draft me.”

“I have to focus on hockey. Team USA.”

Amanda’s on the defensive, now, and Taylor knows how much to push. 

“I wouldn’t ask you not to.”

“You know it would be a huge story.” Amanda says it like it’s the final word, but Taylor knows she’s won even if Amanda doesn’t know it yet.

“Yeah,” Taylor turns her palm up, lays it on her lap, waiting for Amanda’s hand. “I don’t care.”

“I...do.”

“Oh.” 

Taylor closes her hand into a fist and turns her face away from Amanda’s, trying to hide her embarrassment. 

“It’s not that I don’t want...” Amanda reaches for Taylor’s shoulder, but the touch is too much and Taylor shies away. 

“No it’s okay. Sorry.”

Amanda sits next to her for a few more seconds, but Taylor can’t stand it, suddenly. She stands up, still facing away from Amanda – doesn’t want her to see the tears welling in her eyes. “I’m just gonna – walk. See you later.”

“Okay. I’m sor–”

“No,” Taylor interrupts. “It’s my fault.” She walks off, trying not to hate herself for pushing too hard.

* * *

**_July -- Amanda_ **

Amanda feels like  _ shit _ . She panicked. Told Taylor that she cares more about what people think about her than Taylor. “I do.”  _ Fuck _ . It’s not a lie – but...it’s not really the truth, now, is it? She cares, but not enough to make Taylor look that sad.

She pulls out her phone and texts Courtney.

_ Tell me I’m a good person _

It doesn’t take long for Courtney to reply.

**I guess youre alright.**

A pause, then another message.

**What did you do???**

Amanda sighs and presses the phone against her forehead, like she can make the last half hour disappear if she tries hard enough.

_ Taylor asked me out. _

**OOOOMG :D:D:D:D**

_ I said no _

_ Obviously _

There’s a few seconds where Courtney’s typing, then not. Then typing again. Amanda’s about to lose patience when the message finally shows up.

**YOU FUCKING DUMBASS**

**WHY???????**

Amanda suddenly can’t remember why not. 

_ I said because it would be too much of a story. _

**I change my mind youre a bad person**

_ Hey _ , Amanda replies.  _ I feel bad enough already.  _

**Ok you’re not a bad person but that was shitty**

_ Yeah.  _

_ I know. _

_ What do I do? _

Amanda knows what to do, but she needs someone to tell her to do it – even if it’ll be a big story when there's headlines like “Pittsburgh Penguins Sisters Spotted Canoodling.”

**hockey can’t be everything, kess.**

There’s a longer pause, then a Little Mermaid gif pops up, telling her to “kiss the girl.”

**Do it.**

**Luv u.**

Amanda puts her phone away. She doesn’t talk about Taylor for weeks.

 

* * *

 

**_August -- Amanda_ **

Taylor’s in New York. Amanda knows this because Taylor just posted an instagram story about her visit. They haven’t talked since – well,  _ since _ . But every day, Amanda has woken up to regret. She feels lonely without Taylor, even though they wouldn’t have been in the same country, much less the same city. She misses the texts they’d been sending each other. The comments on each other’s instagrams. The little ways they’d kept up a connection that Amanda hadn’t even really thought about until...until she fucked up.

It’s maybe too late. Everyone she asked said it was probably too late – not with their words, but with the pitying look on their faces. Knighter tried to put a positive spin on it, but she’s maybe the worst liar Amanda’s ever met. It’s like she was grimacing as she said “It’s worth trying?”

And she  _ was _ lying, but she wasn’t wrong. It’s worth trying.

So, she sends a message to Taylor, heart sinking at the date of their last text.

_ Can we talk? _

Her heart beats as she waits for Taylor to reply. All she gets is:  **Why?**

_ I need to apologize.  _

**K.**

_ What hotel? _

* * *

**_August -- Taylor and Amanda_ **

Taylor sees Amanda, head bowed and arms on her knees as she waits on one of the chairs in the corner of the too-fancy lobby. Taylor’s watching when Amanda notices her, sees the smile when she does. It’s not the big smile, not the smile she’s used to seeing. It’s more tentative, but it’s a smile. 

Taylor stops moving – she feels like a rabbit caught in headlights, knowing she should move but frozen in place. 

Amanda half-stands, unsure if she should wait or walk towards Taylor.

“Taylor...”

“I –” Taylor's disappointed to realize that she's fighting back tears. It's been a month since she -- since they...didn't kiss but the sight of Amanda tears through her. “You don’t need to explain more. I’m not mad, I just need–”

“No, I do need to explain. I shouldn’t have...”

Taylor’s still standing where she was when she stopped walking – she hasn’t moved closer, but she also hasn’t moved further away, so Amanda takes a step towards her. When Taylor doesn’t move, she keeps walking until she’s standing in front of her. She tugs Taylor over to the wall, so they’re not doing this in the middle of the lobby.

“I do care,” Amanda pushes past the hurt on Taylor’s face, reaches out a hand her face, “but never enough to hurt you.”

Taylor frowns, and moves her face away from Amanda’s hand. She doesn't want to be _apologized_ to. She's the one who ruined the good thing they had.

“I don’t want you to feel bad for me,” Taylor says to Amanda’s feet. 

“No that’s not...” Amanda sighs. “That’s not what I meant. I meant,” she reaches for Taylor’s hands, but doesn’t grab them yet – wants to let Taylor close the distance when she’s ready. “I meant I’m sorry that I made it seem like I care more about the story than about you. I don’t.”

Taylor looks up and tries to keep her expression blank, tries not to let Amanda see how much that means. But Amanda sees the a ghost of hope on her face -- maybe she's bad at hiding her feelings, suddenly. Or maybe Amanda knows how to read her face.

“I know it would be a big story. And I do care – I know I shouldn’t, but I do care that people would talk. But,” she holds her hands out, palm up like Taylor had, earlier. “But I want this – you – more than I care about ... that.”

“So,” Taylor still hasn’t taken her hands, not quite ready to believe and she can see that Amanda’s started to shake from nervousness, “why did you say it? Why did you say we shouldn’t?”

Amanda shrugs. “I panicked.” She sees the small frown Taylor makes, wants to soothe it with a kiss. “It’s scary.”

She’s watching Taylor’s face closely, so she sees when her lips form that smirk, the off-center grin that caught Amanda the first time they met. “I’ll protect you.”

Taylor raises her face to Amanda’s, and there’s a challenge to her posture, now.  _ Prove it _ . 

Amanda wills herself not to look around, but can’t stop herself from pulling Taylor a little further into the shadows. Taylor follows, though, so she doesn’t worry when she leans in and presses her lips to Taylor’s again. She tastes of sweetness, with a little bite. Like honey, spiced with clove. It tastes like promise. She doesn’t have to wait long to feel Taylor kiss her back, and she makes a small noise when she feels Taylor grab her hands. It’s awkward, it probably looks weird, but it feels perfect. She can’t stop her smile – it breaks the kiss, but it’s worth it to see the smile on Taylor’s face too. It’s shy, and it’s a new smile, and Amanda loves it. She tries to kiss Taylor again, but they’re both grinning too much to make it work.

“So.” Amanda says, once she’s caught her breath. She rubs her thumbs on the back of Taylor’s hands and squeezes – she laughs when she feels Taylor squeeze back. 

“So.”

“Are you free tomorrow? For dinner?” She shouldn’t feel nervous, but her heart is beating in her throat waiting for Taylor to answer.

“I dunno,” Taylor can't help teasing. There's joy bubbling up from her toes and it's tease or start shouting  _I have a girlfriend!_

Amanda’s heart stops for half a second before she catches the glint in Taylor’s eyes, watches the playful cant to her lips and knows she didn’t fuck this up completely.

“Where are you taking me?” Taylor affects a thoughtful expression, squinting her eyes like she’s deep in thought. They know how to play this game, now.

“I was thinking ... Burger King?” Amanda gives a little flourish and spins Taylor around by the hand.

“Ooh,” Taylor grins. “Nothing but the best for your girl?”

“Exactly.” Amanda returns the smile. She slips her hand from Taylor’s and sweeps a thumb across Taylor’s lips. “Nothing but the best for the best.”

This time, Taylor turns into her hand, instead of away, and sends a sly look to Amanda over her fingers. 

“It’s a date.” She tugs Amanda closer and lets go of her other hand so she can wrap her arm around Amanda’s waist. 

They’re standing so close that Amanda can feel Taylor’s eyelashes on her cheek. She leans back for one more kiss, this time licking against Taylor’s mouth and shivering when Taylor’s lips part. Her hands – somehow having found their way around Taylor’s waist, too – tighten in her t-shirt and she pulls tight until she can feel Taylor’s heartbeat through her chest. She feels light-headed with joy.

It’s Taylor who breaks the kiss, this time. She’s flushed red and her eyes are sparkling. “I should get back to my room.”

Amanda doesn’t expect the disappointment coursing through her – she wants to press Taylor against the wall and learn how her skin tastes, but the ding of the elevator reminds her of where they are. 

“Right.”

Taylor laughs at her. It's rare to see Amanda off-kilter and out of control. She likes knowing she can do this.

“Tomorrow.” Taylor says this pressing a kiss to Amanda’s hand like a promise.

“Yeah,” it’s a sigh more than a word, but Taylor hears it anyway. She laughs, a bright peal that reverberates in Amanda’s heart. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it -- I've never written Kess or Taylor, so I don't know that I got their voices -- but I tried to lean into goofball Taylor (who is most hearteyes) so I hope you love her as much as I do! Thanks for the ladytastic prompt :)


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